Blog #23 - Learning to Say No: My Journey from People-Pleasing to Honesty & Setting Boundaries

Introduction:

Do you hate the feeling of letting others down? Like the last thing you ever want to do is be seen as a disappointment or a cause of problems? I have felt that way almost my entire life. I remember points in my younger childhood when I could care less about this but somewhere along the way, I began to grow overly concerned with the opinions of others. I somewhat admire my concern for others and believe this value is a valuable part of my character and has helped inform my worldview. However, this over-concern with others and people-pleasing has also felt like torture.

Being such a people pleaser is an understandable response to wanting to avoid conflict and can arise out of stressful childhoods. This need to please others is usually a way to avoid conflict but I have found that conflict is inevitable, good even and avoiding it only makes problems greater. My people-pleasing has gotten in the way of friendships, relationships and just a happier more straightforward life. Today I will be talking about the recent shift I have made in my life to please others less and focus on my needs more. Body:

The Shift:

Like any behaviour or habit picked up in childhood people pleasing had reached a point of complete autopilot in my life. I believed that I was always doing the right thing by avoiding conflict and keeping those around me happy. The past three years which have seen me move away from home and learn to take charge of my own life helped me to completely flip my perspective on many of my behaviours, values, and attitudes. I found myself as an adult genuinely struggling between what I thought was right, what others wanted and who I was. This has been a slow process for me, first I abandoned the religious views instilled in me as a child attending religious schools. I was scared into believing (Frankly) a bullshit story about heaven and hell and as someone who wanted to avoid dramas as fuss, I spent years following the dogma blindly out of fear of burning in hell. Within the first year of leaving my hometown and attending University, I finally gathered the courage to conclude that I did not agree with the religion, did not like the teachings or those who followed it and finally left it behind me.

The two years since that decision were great, challenging and anything but straightforward. At the beginning of this year after reaching a low point with my mental health I began attending therapy and reading a lot of self-help and psychology books. Losing my religion was definitely a big step which helped me with some challenges I was facing at the time but it was not everything. It has finally been after a lot of education and life experience I finally realised that it is okay to be vulnerable, authentic or even confrontational with others. It does not matter if someone is unhappy with me. Ultimately my people-pleasing was getting in the way of the things and life I want.

Challenges:

Having reached the conclusion things had to change I realised I had some difficult conversations ahead of me. I talked to my therapist and after her encouragement began planning out the conversations I had to have. I wanted to confront my estranged father and tell him exactly how I felt. He sent me a long, drunk, rambling text on my 21st where he spent a lot of time passing the blame. After a lot of deliberation and nerves, I sent a reply expressing my anger and lack of respect towards the actions he made in my childhood. The next difficult conversation is one I’m actually yet to have but is with my Nan (My dad’s mum). Despite not having a relationship with my father I do with his parents, unfortunately, I have felt distance grow in that relationship as my Nan has spent more and more time talking about my father to me, painting a fantastic image of him despite me not enjoying the topic and suffering the consequences of his shitty parenting, she would go on. I have written out what I want to say and will tell her in person next time I see her…. “I need you to stop talking about my father, I do not feel comfortable with the topic and he was a bad dad”. These two conversations are uncomfortable but by finally having them I am showing myself that my opinion is worthy and that setting boundaries will improve my quality of life.

One of the hardest conversations I have ever had was this past week. I had to create space in one of my closest friendships. I made fantastic friends with a really awesome woman through University this year. I initially asked her out towards the start of the year. After a whirlwind friendship and me sharing that I had feelings for her I stuck around out of fear of losing the amazing friendship and hurting her. I recently realised waiting around someone who does not feel the same way was not only devaluing myself but also causing a great amount of pain. Despite really not wanting to I had a conversation with her where I laid all my cards on the table and explained I needed space to get over her. She understood where I was coming from and has given me that space, this really hurt but I felt a lot of pride in myself afterwards and cannot wait to revisit that friendship when I’m ready.

Conclusion:

This past week has been full on but I do somewhat recommend this method. After having some of the most difficult conversations of my life I realised that saying no and being more honest in smaller ways is extremely doable. In the days since these difficult conversations I have found it easier to put my needs first whether it is saying no to invitations (I used to always try find a way to fit everyone into my schedule), or simply having conversations and answering in ways more authentic and honest; others opinions be dammed. These conversations have left me feeling empowered and with so much more respect for myself. I really recommend standing up for your own needs and beliefs, this can be an extremely difficult thing but it has probably been the most rewarding thing I have done for myself since attending therapy or losing my religion.

Thanks for taking the time to read. This might be my most personal blog yet, I’m somewhat surprised at how I’m choosing to share all of this but as someone who is aiming to conquer new fears every day and care less about the opinions of others I’m proud to post it. Please let me know below if any of this resonated with you or if you have had any similar experiences.